The Chili Recipe
Do not adjust your screens. This is not a drill or a hallucination. I am actually updating my blog. I know it’s been close to 5 months and I’m sorry. I’m sorry because I know for those 5 months you were all on the edge of your seat just waiting for an update. I know you loaded my page at least once a day just to make sure I hadn’t secretly posted something. Well, the wait is over my friends. And now you can sit back and bask in your reward. A prize winning recipe of mine (seriously, I’m talking Gold Medal here). And what better time to unleash it’s fury than in the dead of winter when snow has covered every state in this nation (except mine… UGH!). Ladies and gentleman, I give you..
The Chili Recipe
(cue ominous music)
Sitting here in Florida, where a winter day is 55° with a breeze, I can’t help but notice the mass chaos that is happening north of us. With jobs and schools shut down for days and people made prisoner in their own homes, they need something to warm them up. And there is nothing better for the job, than a nice big bowl of Chili. I know what you’re thinking, “But Chili is so complex, how do you expect me, someone with little time and experience, to make this Prize Winning Chili of yours?” Well fear not, I assure you, the only thing complex about it is buying the ingredients, and as far as time goes, you’ll only be in front of the pot for about 15 – 20 minutes. The rest of the time it’s just cooking on its own. So what do you say we get started?
Now, whenever I make Chili, I like to make enough to have for a couple of days. Not only will it keep you warm the entire week, but the flavors usually take a day to mend and really get to know each other. So it’ll taste even better a few days later. You could even freeze it if you want in air tight containers, but seriously, you’re going to want to eat it all A.S.A.P. What you’ll need:
1 package ~ Bacon, chopped
2 pounds ~ Ground Turkey (or beef, or both, your choice)
2 pounds ~ Stew Meat, small (spoon size) chunks
1 large ~ Yellow Onion, diced large
2-3 each ~ Green Bell Peppers, diced large
1 Tbls ~ Garlic
1 can ~ Chipolte Peppers in Adobo Sauce*
2- 29 oz cans ~ Tomato Purée
1 – 8 oz can ~ Tomato Paste
2 – 14 oz cans ~ Beef Broth, low sodium
6 Tbls ~ Chili Powder
1.5 Tbls ~ Cumin
2 tsp ~ Oregano
1.5 Tbls each ~ Thyme, Rosemary (dried, not powdered)
*You can find this in the ethnic aisle. Small can, around the tacos. I only use 3 or 4 peppers diced up and about a Tbls of the sauce. But if Chili is not Chili unless you have a fire up your ass, go ahead and add more.
Ok, you got your list, now let’s get crackin’. Take out the biggest pot you have. Unless you have a pot that takes up all four burners. In that case, put that one back and stop being funny! When you find your pot I hope you like it because it’s the only one you’re going to be using. Get yourself your favorite wooden spoon and let’s go…
All great things start with bacon. So on med-high heat, get your chopped up bacon and put it in the pan and cook it till it’s crispy. Remember, for this or any other meat you’re about to brown, don’t dump it all in if it doesn’t fit. Don’t crowd the pot. Once it’s done take it out and set it aside. You may want to find a few big plates to put all the meats you’re going to be cooking. And save the bacon fat too, you’ll need it later.
Next, get the stew meat in the pot and once it’s all browned, take it out and set it aside with the bacon. After that, the ground meat, rinse and repeat, brown and take out. Your stove top should look something like this…
Once all the meat is browned, on to vegetables. I know you’ve been dying to drink it or rub it all over your body but we need it now, so take about 3 or 4 Tbls of the bacon drippings and get it in the pot. Once it’s hot, toss in the onions. Sweat them out and then throw in the peppers. Once it all looks happy and it’s turning golden, add the garlic and the chipolte peppers and sauté it all.
It’s all downhill from here. Add all the meats back to the pot. Once everything is back in, pour in the broth and the tomato purée and paste. Stir it and make sure everything is incorporated. Cover it, set it to light simmer and go do something else for 90 minutes.
……..
Welcome back. Uncover the pot, and add all the herbs and some salt and pepper to taste. Stir. Incorporate. Cover. Simmer. And go finish whatever you’ve been doing for 90 minutes while it cooks for another hour and a half. Yes that’s 3 hours total, good job.
Some believe you should cook your Chili for upwards of 7 hours. Well, you CAN, but it’s not necessary here. The flavors settle fairly well with just 3 hours cooking, plus you don’t have to waste your day waiting for it.
Ok, next, you have to… oh shit, wait, you’re done! That wasn’t such a chore now, was it? Remember, you can eat it now and it would be great, but tomorrow it’s going to be even better. I always like to have my Chili with some saltine crackers and a generous helping of shredded cheddar. Some like sour cream, if that’s you, go for it.
Now, if you’re one of THOSE people who thinks Chili isn’t Chili if it doesn’t have beans in it, then here’s what you do…Take your arrow pointer (that you control with your mouse or track pad), and guide it waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay up to the top right corner of your screen. Up there you’ll find an “X”. Once the pointer is on the “X”, click on it.
The Triple Berry Parfait
I’m all about simple stuff. Mainly because I don’t have the money to buy a lot of ingredients, but that’s beside the point. The point is the simpler the ingredients, the easier it is to make it amazing. You don’t want to try and make an intricate meal for a party of 5 people. You’ll wind up shooting yourself before you finish the appetizers.
Cooking is not rocket science. It’s just food. You’re not mixing explosive chemicals, you’re making dinner. Yeah, we’ve all messed up dishes in the past. Lord knows I have, but you learn from your mistakes.
So to start this thing off I’m going super simple with a dessert. I’m a big dessert guy. When I used to go out to eat, the first thing I did was look at the dessert menu. And no matter how much I ate, there was always room for something sweet, like I had separate stomachs. So here is something, depending on your likes, that can go a long way for just you and your loved one, or for guests.
There are a few ways to go about this. You can cheat and get some Cool Whip, Jell-O chocolate mousse pudding, and some strawberries and call it a day (like I totally did in the picture below. And it is also a good way to do it if you’re counting calories.) Or you can put in the extra 5 minutes if you have the ingredients and make it extraordinary.
Want to go extraordinary? Good I was hoping so. What you’ll need is….
2 cups Heavy Cream
4 Tablespoons Confectioners (Powdered) Sugar
2 Tablespoon Vanilla Extract
½ cup Chocolate chips
1 Tablespoon Granulated Sugar
1 Container Each Strawberries, Blue berries, Raspberries
Optional: Grand Marnier (or favorite liqueur you got around the house), Cocoa Powder, Coffee, Cinnamon, Vanilla Extract
Notes: Instead of Chocolate chips, you can use Bakers chocolate or even chocolate syrup. Bittersweet, milk, or dark chocolate is you decision.
This is for 2 people more or less so try and go about doubling it for more people. This should take 15 minutes, 20 at the most, not including cooling down of the chocolate.
First let’s start with the whipped cream. I… What? You never made whipped cream before?? Ok, don’t sweat it, if you’ve beaten eggs in your life you can make whipped cream. Like I said, it’s not rocket science.
First, preferably you’ll want to get a metal bowl and a whisk and throw it in the freezer for like 15 minutes. Cream whips a lot better when it’s nice and cold.
- Ok, throw the cream into the bowl and start whisking. Some of you may be familiar with the motions of whisking (If you don’t know what I’m talking about pay me no attention.) If this is your first time you may feel like you’re doing jack (who’s Jack? I don’t know, keep reading.) It doesn’t take forever but it’s not instant cream either. (Sue me, I’m immature.)
You’re going to notice different stages the cream is going to go through. From a liquid to a more thicker liquid and then to a frothy type consistency. Almost like when you leave ready made whipped cream out and it starts to run.
- At this stage you want to stop and add the powdered sugar and the vanilla.
This stage.
- Once its added, keep whisking. Whisk, whisk, whisk till you get to the point where it’s thick enough to where you pull the whisk out and you see a small mountain made of whipped cream.
This is called “peaks” (get it, mountains… peaks? I swear I didn’t come up with that.) There are two types of peaks. One is soft, the other is stiff. Soft is where the peak flops over, and stiff is where the peak holds its shape (so much can be said here.) You want to go somewhere between the two but more towards soft. But don’t go any further because it’ll come out looking more like butter than cream.
This is what you’re looking for.
Wow, look at that, you made whipped cream. Pat yourself on the back, you just did something a 1st grader can do! I promise you, if you’ve always bought whipped cream in the store you’re going to want to kick yourself in the ass after seeing how easy it is to make. And more importantly, you know what’s in it. Buy it in the store and you’re getting a long ingredient list of stuff that doesn’t need to be in whipped cream, or your body. That entire process should not have taken more than 6 or 7 minutes depending on how fast you were beating it. (…) Let’s try to keep up now.
- Ok, separate the whipped cream 50/50 and put both halves in the fridge. Get a microwave safe bowl and put the chocolate chips or whatever you have in there with a tablespoon of heavy cream.
If you’re using syrup just skip this paragraph. Before you put the chocolate in the bowl make sure that 1) the bowl is completely dry. If you try this with even a few drops of water in the bowl the chocolate will come out looking like crap. And 2) if you’re using something other than chips make sure you chop it up so that it’s all uniform in size.
- Now, go ahead and microwave for about 1 minute. Take it out and stir it around. The chocolate should be smooth and silky after stirring it. Use your judgment, if you think it should be heated more do it for 5 second intervals. But it shouldn’t really need more time.
You DO NOT want to burn your chocolate, it’s pretty depressing.
- Take your chocolate and stick it in the freezer and stir it around every few minutes until it cools down.
The consistency you’re looking for is not thick but not runny either. If you hit chocolate syrup, you went too far. If you take a spoon and drizzle it, you can see it ribbon on the surface before it settles back down.
Juuuuust right.
Notes on flavoring the chocolate (Add after the chocolate has melted, before cooling): Love coffee? Add 2 tablespoons of strong black coffee, because coffee and chocolate are perfect bedmates. And if you would like a deeper chocolate flavor, whisk in 1 tablespoon of cocoa powder till smooth. Or if you’re feeling edgy, take 1 tablespoon of Grand Marnier and throw it in there. Don’t have Grand Marnier? Any type of your favorite liqueur will do. Just make sure it’s the same one you’re going to be soaking your fruit in later (surprise!) I also like to add a pinch of cinnamon into my chocolate as well as 1 tablespoon of vanilla extract, but that’s just me. Like it all and can’t decide? Go crazy, add it all. Just keep in mind, if you do go crazy and add all those liquids, it’ll be a little runny so either compensate by adding some more chocolate chips before you melt it or some more cocoa.
If you’re using syrup I hope it’s not by choice. The thing with syrup is that it has its own flavor already and to add to it is tricky. You can go ahead and try and spice it up and see how it comes out. If you like it, use it! If not, don’t add anything till after the chocolate cream is made. Even then you may mess up the consistency so be warned.
Now, time to make some chocolate cream.
- Once the chocolate has cooled down, and only after it’s cooled down, grab one of the separated whipped cream halves and take 1/3rd of it and fold it into the chocolate.
Folding: GENTLY working one thing into another in a scooping motion.
- Once it’s incorporated, take the chocolate mixture and fold it into the remaining 2/3rd’s of the whipped cream 1/3rd of it at a time (was that confusing? I was confused just writing it. I feel sorry for you. Just reread it slowly, you’ll be fine.)
Once everything is mixed up you should be the proud owner of a bowl of regular whipped cream, and a bowl of chocolate cream! Feel proud!
Now come the berries. If you want to go all out, I’d stick with strawberries, blue berries, and raspberries.
- Wash all your berries, and quarter the strawberries.
I won’t specify how many because that’s up to you. If you’re a fruit fanatic you can go nuts here.
- Once your berries are prepped, put them in a bowl and add 1 tablespoon of granulated sugar (or more depending on how many berries) and 1 tablespoon of Grand Marnier (or whichever you used earlier with the chocolate. You can use more than 1 tablespoon depending on your taste.) Mix it around and let it sit for like 5 minutes.
Get your glasses ready. Use whatever you’d like. If you’re doing this for guests put it in a chilled martini glass that’s been sitting in the freezer or if it’s just for you, you can put it in Tupperware for all I care. It is now time to assemble!
Depending on how much you made, and how many people you are making fall in love with you, is how many layers you’re going to do. You can make as many layers as your little heart desires, but me personally, I like to max out at 4 not including the top.
- The way I like to do it start with the whipped cream on the bottom, then spoon in the fruit that it seems God has blessed. Then the chocolate cream, and then more fruit. Keep going like that while keeping in mind the top of the glass. It’s always best to level the top of the glass with cream and then garnish with 2 or 3 fruits on the top.
Once again, if you’re entertaining guests blow the extra money on some mint leaves and throw a nice little sprig on top, dust it with some cocoa powder and then take a few steps back and marvel in your excellence!
I know yours will look better than mine.
Hope you enjoyed this first post. I also hope it was not confusing. It may seem like a lot to do, but TRUST me, the entire process should not take more than 15 minutes. (Not including the chilling of the chocolate.) If you have any questions about anything leave a comment. Or if you don’t like anything leave a comment. If you tried this and failed miserably and want to curse me out, leave a comment. If you accidentally hospitalized someone because they were a diabetic and didn’t tell you, do not leave a comment and never mention this blog to anyone.
May the food be with you.
Sucking all the marrow out of life doesn’t mean choking on the bone.
To Whom It May Concern…
To Whom It May Concern:
I am a cook. I may or may not possess the qualifications to be more than just a cook, but I don’t want to sit here and give you false hopes on what to expect. You may call me different in the way I think. I see things in a light others don’t and for years that has been a gift and a curse. I have worked in a kitchen for about 5 year’s total. And that’s not even 5 years in a row because I can only witness so much ass kissing and political B.S. for so long. I know what you’re thinking, “only 5 years?” Well, believe me, I’m not here to toot my own horn about how amazing I am with a knife or how my sauces come out with no lumps or even how I can make a menu that would justify $50 a plate. No, you won’t hear me talking like that since I over season sometimes and burn shit, because like I said, I’m a cook, and I may or may not possess the qualifications necessary to be otherwise. Now, I can sit here and talk recipes and techniques with you all night, but I wouldn’t want to bore you. I can explain to you what Deglazing is or what’s in a Mirepoix, but why would I do that when you can just Google it? And I’m definitely not going to drop any big names or tell you to buy any of my kitchen ware.
I am simply here to shed a dark light on an industry many live off and others can’t live without. To explain to you the reasons why you should use this instead of that. Maybe I’ll drop a recipe from time to time but it won’t be anything like Poached Quail or Duck Confit. It’ll be the simple things that you can make at home because you probably have the ingredients and you’re bored. It’ll be nothing out of a box because the things you can make from scratch eclipse anything that Betty Crocker can help you do. And when I’m not doing recipes, maybe I’ll review restaurants I go to. But not just a “the food was good, the service was mediocre,” I’ll tell you what was done wrong from a cooks point of view and believe me more is done wrong than right whenever and wherever you go out to eat. But those posts may be few and far between since I told myself that I’m not going to pay $20 for a plate that not only cost me $9 to make at home, but also saved me from having to deal with dumb servers and people who don’t know how to prepare said $20 plate. Also, expect rants of random food related irks.
I can tell you where I learned, what I know and what was taught to me, but I won’t charge you $30,000 for it. Don’t get me wrong; don’t expect lectures or detailed explanations. All I’m saying is that in my time spent working in the kitchen; I’ve come across a lot of people. A few of them smart, but to be honest, mainly stupid. And while working, I’ve picked up a lot of pointers and tricks to get by while cooking. And it’s not the kind of stuff they teach you in school.
And as a reminder, I’m doing this because I am at home and currently not working. If life decides to be funny and wants to watch me suffer some more by getting another kitchen to hire me, then I more than likely will not be updating this and the witty introduction and catchy name will be all for nothing. Because you can bet your ass if I’m working all night slaving away for a few bucks more than minimum wage, I’m not going to come in here and talk about food some more for fun.
I guess you can say, with this blog, I’m putting my education to good use.
Thank you for your time.
Signed Sincerely,
The Averse Cook
